You and your stupid Coffee


How is should be served

Hey you, yeah you. The guy who just ordered a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice on the side, I dislike you. Or at least, your coffee choice. It annoys me, and it’s about time I bug you all about this.Let me get this very straight, I drink my coffee black. Like, really black and made the old-fashioned way. It needs to be strong. I have a massive pet peeve with weak coffee and it started when I was in fourth grade. You know, the time when you wanted to be exactly like your mom/dad/big brother/Optimus Prime. My dad guzzled down a full pot black coffee each and every morning before trudging off to work every morning.


So I started copying him and his nasty coffee drinking ways. Since my addiction to the caffeine ridden substance started at a young age my body now requires the disgusting black liquid every morning. At least one cup, no weaker than French Roast. I don’t feel proud about being like my dad anymore, because his awful habit infected me. (Now the government will probably make an educational video about this soon, no worries.)

Now, why I get annoyed with people who drink weak coffee filled with Milk, sugar and creamer. They get so proud about it. If you drink it like that and feel good afterwords, you get on my nerves. Coffee is supposed to be an evil substance only used to get you out of bed, not to be drank for pleasure. If you need to weaken it just find a good brew, but don’t spoil a good brew with extras.

See the thing is, coffee has no need to taste good. In the morning you need to wake up, and get moving. If your smart you set your coffee maker on auto and when you get downstairs it should be ready. You drink the brew. It burns your throat, destroys your taste buds and the caffeine shocks your brain. You think to yourself, holy crap that was the most disgusting crap I have ever slurped down my pie hole ever. You than drink more because it wakes you up. The burns force you to become more aware and shock you awake. The bitter taste from a proper brew will open your eyes wide open in disgust, and the caffeine kicks you into action. Congratulations, you are now awake and ready for work. The mud did it’s job. Now, what if you add stuff.

Holy crap! Look at how awake I am! The coffee worked!

The milk and cream cool the black liquid, and the sugar takes away the bitter brew. The milk also tones down the caffeine. You take time to do this all, and then sit on the couch and slowly sip your delicious concoction. JOB NOT WELL DONE. The coffee was meant to wake you up, not get you back into bed. That’s tea’s job, and as of late it’s been out of work thanks to all this terrible coffee. In short? Coffee is a medicine, not a drink. It even tastes like medicine. Wakes you right up.

Goodness me, the weakened coffee didn't work. I'm gonna be late!

People who treat coffee like a typical run of the mill source of liquid annoy me. Have they no common sense? Coffee destroys your innards and can force you into an unhealthy caffeine fueled addiction. I’m my own example. If you want something wicked sweet then go have some hot chocolate. Just don’t overdo the coffee. It should be served hot as hell, black as night, and with enough strength to rival that of Mr.T. It should not be served as a warm beverage for pleasure.


One response to “You and your stupid Coffee

  1. I completely disagree entirely. Entirely. Coffee can be delicious and still wake me up.

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